You Know You're High When
by Theunrightharrypottertim
Summary: Harry has a secret ass hole, Draco is pregnant (Ron’s the father), Snape’s in a thong and Hermione disappeared! Slash! Ron/Harry/Draco and Snape/Dumbledore (yes, we are psycho). R/R!
1. Herman and Draco's Visit

Disclaimer: *sigh* Do I hafta? Fine! No, I don't own ANYTHING because I am lame and J.K. Rowling is God. Er...maybe not that far, but she's pretty damn cool. Oh! And the first sentence solely belongs to J.K.R., it's a quote from the fifth book.  
  
Summary: Harry has a secret ass hole, Draco is pregnant (Ron's the father), Snape's in a thong and Hermione disappeared! Slash! Ron/Harry/Draco and Snape/Dumbledore (yes, we are psycho). R/R!  
  
Rating: PG-13 because we like to think we're not wrong enough to be writing rated R.  
  
Warnings: Slashy, dangerously slashy, the ruler of shlashdom. Mwahahaha! Don't like? Don't read. That simple.  
  
Spoilers: None, really. Maybe for the first movie, but you can't really tell.  
  
Flames will be used to set Emma Watson's hair on fire, so flame away!  
  
Also, we make fun of just about every character, so don't be offended if yours is.  
  
~*~  
  
You Know You're High on Oxygen When...  
  
Chapter 01: Herman and Draco's Visit  
  
The hottest day of the summer so far was drawing to a close, and drowsy silence laid over the large, square house of Privet Drive...the only person left outside was a teenage boy who was lying flat on his back in a flower bed outside #4.  
  
"Hmm..." Harry thought. "This flower bed is really comfy! Except for that bush that's sticking up my ass..." He quickly sat up and saw that it was not a bush sticking up his ass, but Dobby.  
  
"Dobby!" He shouted as he began to change into his pink tutu. "What are you doing?!"  
  
"Sir, Dobby is sorry, sir, I was just up Harry Potter's ass!" Dobby whimpered pathetically.  
  
"If I wanted a house elf up my ass, I would have asked for one!" Harry screamed like a girl, finally in his beautiful tutu. "But now that you mention it..."  
  
"No, Dobby must tell Harry Potter that he is in grave danger..." Dobby said in a mysterious whisper.  
  
"Fried chicken arse! What else is new?"  
  
"Well, Dobby did just go to Old Lady Hut and bought a very sexy leather mini skirt..." He looked away dreamily at Dudley's window. "Oh...Dudley is so hot. Grrrrrrr..." He said in a "I'm trying to sound incredibly sexy" tone.  
  
"But Dobby!" Harry whined. "I already have dibs on him! He's my cousin!" They tried to beat each other up and, of course, Dobby won.  
  
"Mwahahaha! I am GOD!" Dobby shouted.  
  
Harry whined, yet again. "No, I'm God! After all, I'm Harry Potter!" He smiled show-offly to the camera, and his teeth sparkled with a little *ting*. So they fought again, rolling around on the ground, and both of them secretly enjoyed it.  
  
*cough*cough*ahem*  
  
Anyway, then Harry sat up, grabbing his crotch.  
  
"Ow! You kicked my orange!" Harry cried.  
  
((Note: Orange is erm...er...the guy organism.))  
  
"You don't have one to kick!" Draco had suddenly popped up from nowhere. "Remember? You lent it to me for my business with Seamus." He licked his lips in a completely sad attempt to look sexy and dangerous. He tossed the orange back and forth.  
  
"Give it here, Malfoy," Harry said in an angry tone.  
  
"Want it Potter?" Malfoy asked, as he hopped on his spontaneously appearing room from nowhere. He began to circle them as he rose. "I think I'll leave it somewhere for you to find, like on the roof!" Harry hopped onto his spontaneously appearing room and chased after Draco.  
  
"Whoa! Déjà vu!" Dobby said.  
  
Malfoy tossed Harry's orange back and forth looking fondly at it, and then threw it. It was about to hit the window, when Harry caught it. Everybody cheered as he fell to the ground, shaking the orange in his hand. He re- attached it and a look of relief filled his face. "That's better."  
  
"Harry, you don't think I can borrow your penis again, do you?" Draco asked, looking in his shorts at his nothingness.  
  
"NO!" Harry said in a demonic voice. "It's not a penis! It's so much more than a penis! It's an orange and his name is Herman! Now ask Herman politely."  
  
"Erm...Herman, can I borrow you? You were such a nice...er...orange," Draco asked.  
  
"No! Herman doesn't like you. He said you were mean to him and wouldn't play with him!" Harry screamed.  
  
"What?! Oh that is just...that is just wrong!" Draco shouted. "I may be...well...thingless but that is just sick!"  
  
"Apologize!" Harry demanded.  
  
"Why?!"  
  
"Apologize to Herman!" Harry shouted.  
  
"I am not apologizing to your...er...thing!"  
  
"Do it!" Harry screamed. "Or suffer the Herman wrath!"  
  
"Your mad!" Draco shouted. He just walked away, shaking his head.  
  
"It's okay, Herman," Harry said. "Don't be offended...shh, shh, shh...it's okay."  
  
Dobby walked away, shaking his head in the same fashion as Draco, leaving Harry and Herman alone.  
  
~*~  
  
END OF CHAPTER  
  
~*~  
  
TUHPT: Mwahahaha! The odd slashy-ness! Review now!!! 


	2. The SnapeThong Disco and Buhbye Herm

Disclaimer: *sigh* Do I hafta? Fine! No, I don't own ANYTHING because I am lame and J.K. Rowling is God. Er...maybe not that far, but she's pretty damn cool. Oh! And the first sentence solely belongs to J.K.R., it's a quote from the fifth book.  
  
Summary: Harry has a secret ass hole, Draco is pregnant (Ron's the father), Snape's in a thong and Hermione disappeared! Slash! Ron/Harry/Draco and Snape/Dumbledore (yes, we are psycho). R/R!  
  
Rating: PG-13 because we like to think we're not wrong enough to be writing rated R.  
  
Warnings: Slashy, dangerously slashy, the ruler of shlashdom. Mwahahaha! Don't like? Don't read. That simple.  
  
Spoilers: None, really. Maybe for the first movie, but you can't really tell.  
  
Flames will be used to set Emma Watson's hair on fire, so flame away!  
  
Also, we make fun of just about every character, so don't be offended if yours is.  
  
~*~  
  
You Know You're High When...  
  
Chapter 02: The Snape-Thong Disco and Buh-bye Herm  
  
Now we're at Hogwarts. Do not ask me why we are now at Hogwarts, we just are, okay? Anyway, that is not the point. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting in the Great Hall, when Dumbledore was about to make an announcement. He slowly got up when suddenly the room went dark and colorful lights and disco music filled the air. Everyone was looking around, wondering what was going on.  
  
Suddenly, a spot light went down the center of the room, and Snape was lowered from the ceiling, wearing a sports bra and a pink thong with a fluffy bunny tail. He got quite a few cat-calls from the Slytherin table as he started dancing provocatively to YMCA.  
  
Soon, Dumbledore came up, with a fruit hat and a frilly, Hispanic dress like the Chiquita Banana lady, and they did the tango.  
  
"Whoo! Shake it baby, shake it!" Ron called out, but right when they got to the good part, the lights turned on and Hermione was gone.  
  
Everyone gasped.  
  
"Gasp!" Harry said.  
  
"Gasp!" Ron said.  
  
"Oh well," Ron said. "She was a snobby, stuck-up, know-it-all bitch," Ron said, and he went back to watching Snape and Dumbledore do the tango some more.  
  
"But Ron, you don't understand! Hermione didn't get to say anything this whole chapter, we must find her!" He stuck one finger up in the air.  
  
"Yeah, whatever," Ron answered and he went to join Snape and Dumbledore because they had started to break dance.  
  
Harry began to talk to Herman. "Where could Hermione have gone, Herman? Hey!" Harry had an epiphany. "Herman? Hermione? They both have herms and ns! They must be brothers! Or sisters! Or...it's..."  
  
People started looking at him oddly.  
  
"Hey!" Harry shouted. "Can't a guy talk to his crotch in peace?!"  
  
Everybody just looked at him scared, and went back to doing whatever.  
  
"It's okay," Harry said, stroking his crotch. "We'll find her."  
  
~*~  
  
END OF CHAPTER  
  
~*~  
  
TUHPT: Review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	3. The Letter from the Secret Ass Hole

Disclaimer: *sigh* Do I hafta? Fine! No, I don't own ANYTHING because I am lame and J.K. Rowling is God. Er...maybe not that far, but she's pretty damn cool. Oh! And the first sentence solely belongs to J.K.R., it's a quote from the fifth book.  
  
Summary: Harry has a secret ass hole, Draco is pregnant (Ron's the father), Snape's in a thong and Hermione disappeared! Slash! Ron/Harry/Draco and Snape/Dumbledore (yes, we are psycho). R/R!  
  
Rating: PG-13 because we like to think we're not wrong enough to be writing rated R.  
  
Warnings: Slashy, dangerously slashy, the ruler of shlashdom. Mwahahaha! Don't like? Don't read. That simple.  
  
Spoilers: None, really. Maybe for the first movie, but you can't really tell.  
  
Flames will be used to set Emma Watson's hair on fire, so flame away!  
  
Also, we make fun of just about every character, so don't be offended if yours is.  
  
~*~  
  
You Know You're High on Oxygen When...  
  
Chapter 03: The Letter from the Secret Ass Hole  
  
Harry and Ron were in the boy's dormitory minding (or should we say doing?) there own business when Neville came in, screaming and shouting like a wild llama choking on a banana. Then he looked down at Harry and Ron, in the bed, wearing nothing.  
  
"Good God, nobody wants to see that!" Neville exclaimed. They both got up, each wrapping a blanket around themselves, which made them look like they were wearing red sleeveless dresses.  
  
"I look damn sexy!" shouted Harry.  
  
"What is it Neville?" Ron asked.  
  
"Er.... Fuck I forgot!" screamed Neville like a little girl in pigtails, dancing on a tuna. And then he left.  
  
"How rude, interrupting us like that!" said Harry, and they went back to their 'dirty business'.  
  
A rattling was heard at the window and Hedwig flew in, dropping a letter on Ron's ass. Ron picked it up and read it aloud.  
  
Dear Harry,  
  
I love you so much you sexy bitch. Your messy hair, your dorky glasses, your bad breath, they make me do something I am not at the liberty to talk about. See you in potions my darling Cuddle-puff.  
  
Love,  
  
Your secret ass-hole  
  
"I have a secret ass-hole?" Harry asked in amazement. Then he began to excitedly search his body for it.  
  
"I can't find it!" he pouted, Ron smacked him across the head.  
  
"You idiot! Not a real ass-hole! Just some one who wants to fuck you!" he exclaimed. Harry blinked stupidly.  
  
"Bet it was Snape.... or Malfoy..." he continued. More blinking from Harry.  
  
"Will you stop that?!" Ron yelled.  
  
"Only if you let me barrow your Orange! MWAHAHAHAHA!" Harry giggled, still blinking.  
  
Ron cried. "No! Not Mr. Tinkly! After all we've been through!"  
  
"Give it to me Ron!" Harry yelled. "Er... not that way" he added after Ron raised an eye brow with Harry still blinking.  
  
Ron reluctantly handed over the orange. Harry attached it.  
  
"Woo-hoo! I have two oranges now! Weeeee!" Harry began to run around, as a censor block covered his area.  
  
"I didn't give it to you! I let you borrow it!" Ron screamed, but his voice was drowned out by Harry's whoops of excitement.  
  
"Herman has a brother!" Harry smiled.  
  
"And Ron needs Herman's brother!" They wrestled for Mr. Tinkly and Ron won.  
  
"Pooh! I always lose!" Pouted Harry.  
  
Right when he said this, the door creaked open...  
  
~*~  
  
END OF CHAPTER  
  
~*~  
  
TUHPT: Hey! I wanted Mr. Tinkly! *goes off and pouts*  
  
Harry: Ron! Why did you have to go and take it back for?!  
  
Ron: Ask the Authress!  
  
TUHPT: MWAHAHAHAHAHAH! 


	4. Draco's Surprise

Disclaimer: *sigh* Do I hafta? Fine! No, I don't own ANYTHING because I am lame and J.K. Rowling is God. Er...maybe not that far, but she's pretty damn cool. Oh! And the first sentence solely belongs to J.K.R., it's a quote from the fifth book.  
  
Summary: Harry has a secret ass hole, Draco is pregnant (Ron's the father), Snape's in a thong and Hermione disappeared! Slash! Ron/Harry/Draco and Snape/Dumbledore (yes, we are psycho). R/R!  
  
Rating: PG-13 because we like to think we're not wrong enough to be writing rated R.  
  
Warnings: Slashy, dangerously slashy, the ruler of shlashdom. Mwahahaha! Don't like? Don't read. That simple.  
  
Spoilers: None, really. Maybe for the first movie, but you can't really tell.  
  
Flames will be used to set Emma Watson's hair on fire, so flame away!  
  
Also, we make fun of just about every character, so don't be offended if yours is.  
  
~*~  
  
You Know You're High on Oxygen When...  
  
Chapter 04: Draco's Surprise  
  
They both watched, in the nude, the door opening, revealing a flushed Draco Malfoy.  
  
"Herman..." He whispered. "How much I miss thee, thou is perfect beyond belief..."  
  
"Oh shut up Malfoy!" Harry giggled. "You're making us embarrassed."  
  
Draco raised an eye brow. "I wasn't talking about you, just Herman."  
  
Yet again Harry pouted, then smiled. "I have a secret Ass Hole!"  
  
Draco looked nervous. "Oh...really?" He stuttered.  
  
"Yeah...but it's not a real Ass Hole, it's just someone who wants to fuck me," He giggled. "I wonder who it is."  
  
He started to wink obviously at Draco. Draco just shook his head.  
  
When Harry started to realize that no one was getting his hint, he cried. "No one understands me!"  
  
And then he ran out of the common room, still clothless.  
  
They heard cheering of the crowd in the common room and then the portrait hole closing.  
  
"What stick went up his ass?" Asked Draco sarcastically after Harry left.  
  
"Not a stick, a house elf, but that's a long story," explained Ron.  
  
They stood there for a while, tapping their feet and glancing at the clock...  
  
"Has the Authoress ran out of Ideas?" called Ron to the ceiling.  
  
*shut-up! I'm thinking...*  
  
Ron: But...  
  
*SHUT UP!!!*  
  
Ron: Can't you at least put some clothes on me before I freeze my ass off?!  
  
*FINE! (sigh)*  
  
Because Ron was about to freeze his ass off, he put on some clothes.  
  
*HAPPY?!*  
  
Ron: NO! My shirt says "Pretty Pretty Princess"!  
  
*Live with it! Anyways...*  
  
Draco began to pace the room and...  
  
Draco: Can I pace like this? (gaily smiles and shakes his hips like a model)  
  
*NO!!!! Anyway...*  
  
Draco: How 'bout this? (does a ghetto pimp walk)  
  
Ron: And I still want out of this shirt!  
  
*Shut up or I'll have to make this a clean fic*  
  
Both: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *shuts up*  
  
Now, back to the story which better not have anymore interruptions. Draco paced the room, as if debating whether he should tell his news or not. A tear began to roll down his cheek, and his lip began to quiver.  
  
"What is it Dracy-Poo?" Ron asked with a overly-sympathetic voice.  
  
"Ron..." He began to cry.  
  
"What Draco...?"  
  
"I'm...I'm pregnant."  
  
Ron's face dropped. "It's not mine, is it?" He gulped, Draco nodded.  
  
Ron screamed. "Nooooooo! How can this happen?!"  
  
"I think you know very well how this happened mister," said Draco with a hand on his hip.  
  
"No, not that. I mean well...er...you're a guy...right?" Ron replied.  
  
Draco laughed nervously. "Well..."  
  
"You're not, are you?" said Ron angrily.  
  
Draco shook his head.  
  
"You...you lied," whispered Ron.  
  
"Ron, it's not what you think..." Draco cried.  
  
"You lied!" shouted Ron louder. Draco began to stammer.  
  
"No, no, no. Do not speak, you are dead to me. You said you were a man when you...you lied!" They both started to cry.  
  
"Well, I borrowed Herman from Harry, so-so I thought it would be okay!" sobbed Draco.  
  
Ron: Hey! How could you do this?! I can't be a father!  
  
*Mwahahahaha*  
  
Draco: And I'm a guy! Well...last I checked...  
  
*yet again, mwahahahaha*  
  
Ron: Why?!  
  
*Er... because I said so. HA!*  
  
Draco:*pouts*  
  
Ron: You... you bad bad person!  
  
*Well, you can't do anything about it so nyah (sticks tongue out.)*  
  
Ron: But.....  
  
*MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA*  
  
Draco: Well...  
  
*MWAHAHAHAHAHA*  
  
Ron: Will you stop that?  
  
* No. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA*  
  
Ron: But...  
  
*MWAHAHA! Next Chapter!*  
  
Ron: ARGH!!!  
  
~*~  
  
END OF CHAPTER  
  
~*~  
  
TUHPT: And again, MWAHAHAHA! R/R! ^____^ 


End file.
